Yesterday it rained. And this week we have watched a new camp come and go. On Sunday night some friends of the Kuhns had to drive from another YL camp after being on assignment team for 4 week to drop off there son for camp here. I had never met these people but God brought them, I have to believe, just for me. They sat and listened...I cried and shared with them my lack of feeling "called", my doubts and weariness. They were a rushing stream in a dry desert. They have a ministry for church leadership and families & parenting...they've even written a book. They sat a the table (without knowing me or my story) and started to share there vision for those who are in ministry, pastors and there families...and their heart for them, for those that are burned out and need God's life poured back in. I started to cry and Doug and Jeff told me to share but I said I couldn't yet. Later that night I shared and they listened. I had never been so comforted by strangers before. Only in the body of Christ could something like this happen.
Then yesterday God brought me this verse "...Just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call" Eph 4:4

My verse for this month has been "Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know." Jer 33:3 I didn't really know why but now I do. I called to God and He answered me, He really did tell me great and unsearchable things that I did not know.
Our trip is almost over. Soon we will be leaving the desert and heading home.

Oh i'm so dry...just crusty and dry. There's nothing left. I'm tiered. Weary. Alone. It's a dry desert, no water or shade or rest. I cried for the first few days, so broken and lost. Don't ask me any questions i'll just start crying, don't tell me anything about God or His word...it's so painful. He's left me and i'm left for the wolves alone in the desert. He sees me but has no mercy...He has no purpose in this suffering. My earthly reality has been strayed from my heavenly reality and I am spiritually barren.
What are You saying...
What are You doing...
Where are you...
I need You...
Come to me...
Find me...
Hold me...
Come...
Run...
My tears are so many and my soul is lost...

He's been speaking to me. Little gentile bits of precious truth. Through His people. Through His Spirit. Through His Word. Through the camp manager Wayne, who doesn't know me but does now. He gave a message yesterday to the assignment team and staff...but it was Jesus speaking to me. It was just for my broken tears. Breaking in to my hard desert heart. Tearing down the walls and running towards me. I ran up to him yesterday, and started to talk and the tears came. I told him I was done...I had nothing left. He said God wasn't done. I kinda believed him. Just little bits...
It felt so risky to trust. To surrender. But a little part of me did and I wanted more. What if it never ends. Doug said that the roots don't grow deep in the summer, but in the winter. I'm in winter. My heart is in winter. But my earthly reality and my heavenly reality are separated by a canyon so deep and wide. Then in His word He told me...

G: I will grant you power to be strengthened through My Spirit in your inner being that you will be rooted and grounded in love, that you will be filled with the fullness of me.

K:Satan has tricked me...I don't feel joy or happiness. I might just be completely in Your will, though I am suffering so? No, I don't want it...My suffering seems to have no purpose-empty.

G:Yes...my sweet child. Not yet. Almost, but not yet. I'm not quite done. I know you see today and you say, "I'm Done!" But I'm looking at forever and there's still more.

Letting this song sink into my spirit in the kitchen this morning.
Just little bits...
"I need you more, More than yesterday, I need you more, so much more than words can say
I need you more than the air I breathe, More than the song I sing, More than the next heartbeat, More than anything."

The story continues...but that's all for now.

The other day Moses stood up and grabbed the cord for the toaster and pull it off the island. Luckily I was standing right there and put my foot out. It hit my ankle and then crashed on the floor. Oh did it hurt...but not more then it would have hurt his little head. I put the toaster away.
I woke up really wanting a waffle. I looked in the freezer and there was one left! I just tried to use the toaster for the first time since the incident and the little push down button that makes your toast go down no longer stays down unless you hold it. With the kids all asleep still I held that button down for dear life and waited till I knew it was just right. I am now eating the waffle and know one knows...I thought for sure they would hear and run out and grab it right off my plate. But they didn't....

Today Silas has decided to pee in cups and bring them to the toilet. Or go into the bathroom and pee in the toilet or stand a the toilet but not pee in it but pee everywhere else. It's the thought that counts...right? This is a first for him doing it on his own. Good job Silas!

Yep it was kind of a half step but it totally counts. He's been going from crawl to stand all week. Then at the pool tonight he did it...he took a little step.

MO is days away from his first steps. He's standing endlessly on his own. The other day in the laundry room I thought he was going to do it, then he second guessed himself and went down to crawl. In the last 3 days he's only woken up for his 4:30am snack once. So I think he might be getting out of that. I love it. On those days it's been so easy to get up and shower and spend sometime with Jesus alone. If he wakes up at 4:30 I can't really go back to sleep and end up just waking up when the kids come in at 7:00. But the last few days I've been getting up at 6:00. I can say that it makes all the difference as to whether i'm a good mommy or a scary mommy :)