The desert

Oh i'm so dry...just crusty and dry. There's nothing left. I'm tiered. Weary. Alone. It's a dry desert, no water or shade or rest. I cried for the first few days, so broken and lost. Don't ask me any questions i'll just start crying, don't tell me anything about God or His word...it's so painful. He's left me and i'm left for the wolves alone in the desert. He sees me but has no mercy...He has no purpose in this suffering. My earthly reality has been strayed from my heavenly reality and I am spiritually barren.
What are You saying...
What are You doing...
Where are you...
I need You...
Come to me...
Find me...
Hold me...
Come...
Run...
My tears are so many and my soul is lost...

He's been speaking to me. Little gentile bits of precious truth. Through His people. Through His Spirit. Through His Word. Through the camp manager Wayne, who doesn't know me but does now. He gave a message yesterday to the assignment team and staff...but it was Jesus speaking to me. It was just for my broken tears. Breaking in to my hard desert heart. Tearing down the walls and running towards me. I ran up to him yesterday, and started to talk and the tears came. I told him I was done...I had nothing left. He said God wasn't done. I kinda believed him. Just little bits...
It felt so risky to trust. To surrender. But a little part of me did and I wanted more. What if it never ends. Doug said that the roots don't grow deep in the summer, but in the winter. I'm in winter. My heart is in winter. But my earthly reality and my heavenly reality are separated by a canyon so deep and wide. Then in His word He told me...

G: I will grant you power to be strengthened through My Spirit in your inner being that you will be rooted and grounded in love, that you will be filled with the fullness of me.

K:Satan has tricked me...I don't feel joy or happiness. I might just be completely in Your will, though I am suffering so? No, I don't want it...My suffering seems to have no purpose-empty.

G:Yes...my sweet child. Not yet. Almost, but not yet. I'm not quite done. I know you see today and you say, "I'm Done!" But I'm looking at forever and there's still more.

Letting this song sink into my spirit in the kitchen this morning.
Just little bits...
"I need you more, More than yesterday, I need you more, so much more than words can say
I need you more than the air I breathe, More than the song I sing, More than the next heartbeat, More than anything."

The story continues...but that's all for now.