I worked on the yard today and I pretended like it was gonna be mine for a long time.  If I was doing it like it was only mine for 6 more months I might not have worked as hard.  And I guess that's what I have to keep doing.  

Silas is now doing some physical and speech therapy. He has some minor delays in both areas but it's nothing that can't be fixed with a bit of help.  He's brilliant though and amazes me daily with how he processes, and he loves numbers.  He's counting to 100 and adding/subtracting all sorts of number combinations.  I wanted to get this looked at before we left.  Right now we are covered under the state and it's free.  I don't know what it's gonna be like when we get to Kauai or if they will even have a program like this.  He did great this morning and even though he didn't want to leave the house to go, he was very supportive of being there because he knew that he would get coco from the little stand in the lobby...it makes all the difference.

The corner I'm currently walking around is to live these next 6 months like its all that's left .  So I'll slow it down and pack in all I can fit.  I'll try.
The plan is to look at the weather on Mondays and make plans accordingly.  It's kinda like someone tells you that you have 6 months to live so you better start working on that bucket list. 
This bucket list is pretty short though.    
        1. Spend as much time with
those I love as much as I possibly can.

                      That's it...

I think that's what I should have been doing the whole time but maybe didn't realize it.  Life has a way of creeping up on you and being more then you expected.  Or less..depends on what's at stake.  My hope is that I'll be changed by all that I've been shown.  I guess I have an opportunity here to embrace and grow.  Being His guest here in this story I will try to just go with the corner and enjoy this part of the chapter.

You know what's scary about this?  I don't want to be forgotten.  That might sound selfish...but it's so true.  They know my quirks and weaknesses, they appreciate my strengths.  I'm not a big ? mark.  I know that life will keep moving as I turn this corner and I'll so wanna be back in "this" story.  I'll be on to a new story with new people.  Honestly I spent most of my life wanting to feel known and had no idea how to make it happen.  My failed attempts brought such disappointing results.   And then it happened.  I stopped watching my back and looking over my shoulder, I put my guard down.
A girl I know asked me if it was possible that there could be someone there who needed me and I needed them. "Don't want it"...I said.  But she's right.  She has to be.  And I hear in a quiet wisper..."It's ok little girl, I got it.  There's something ahead you can't possibly imagine.  It's gonna all work out."  SO hold on heart...here we go!





Then there's Zeke. 
He's liquid sunshine...didn't know it was possible to have liquid sunshine but it is.
It's right here...

Jeff asked me to write.
So here it goes....


I've been thinking lots about what it's gonna mean to move to Kauai.  Jeff asked me to write whats been going on from the perspective of the mom/wife.  Really its all very surreal.  Most days it's still something I can't even imagine actually happening, even though Jeff keeps telling me it will.  Recently though I find myself looking more closely at the things around me that I had started to overlook.  The mountains on my way home from taking Eli to school, they've recently made their appearance again now that it's June, and our days are a bit more clear.  So when I'm sitting at the red light on the hill overlooking the Olympic's, I look a little bit longer.  Same thing has been happening with the evergreen trees...There so big...and green.

But that's just the beginning.  There's lots more.  I'm leaving all I've known since I was 15 when I moved here from New Hampshire.  I had always thought that when I grew up I would try my hardest to let my kids live in the same house and go to the same school for all their growing up.  I wanted that so bad, mostly because by the time I graduated High School I had been to 13 different schools and moved 15 times.  And even though I'd like to think that I turned out fine, it really was disruptive.  So I swore I would never do it..never move! Not completely realistic to think that would happen, but moving to Kauai is way different then moving to even a different state.  We have become so connected to this community in Washington, the friends that I have made over these years are deeply rooted in who I have become and so many have become family.  I'll admit, I am concerned about the culture and what it will be like in the first few years.  Who will I go to coffee with, who will I meet at the park to talk about kid stuff and complain about the weather.  Where will we go when we need to be with those who will love us on our worst day.  Who will walk with us when our pieces are scattered all over and my world needs a gluten free chocolate cookie and a chai latte.  It's slightly depressing to think for more than a few moments what my world will be like without all my favorite people that I need dearly.
Also this fall we have decided to home school Eli.  The drive back and forth is too much with all these monekys, I'm not ready to have him gone all day, birth work is so unpredictable and I think it will be one less transition we will have to deal with next year. Yet in the back of my mind I have "what the heck am I doing", running around, but I think it will be best for all of us. 
These past few months I have been working with Carol Gautschi, CPM, LM.  She has been my midwife for all my boys.  It was always the plan that when the time came for me to do my apprenticeship that I would work with her.  She has been a midwife for over 30 years and I deeply respect her care for mothers and babies.  On Kauai there is a limited number of midwives.  I'm sure that they are great but I need to work with Carol, she's the type of midwife that I want to be.  So when Jeff asked me if I had any reservations about going to Kauai back in January, I told him that I was sad that I wouldn't get to work with Carol.  Jeff said that we could make it work and so we have.  It's like changing the DNA of your family to work with a midwife.  I'm doing clinic with her on Fridays and attending 2-3 births a month.  It's minimum work compared to the work that most apprenticeships involve but she needed the help and I am thankful for her being so flexible with my schedule and the fact that I have 4 boys!  My hope is that the work will continue when we get to Kauai and that I will also be able to teach birth classes in the space that Jeff finds for the Coffee shop.  There's lots to look forward to when we get there.
The hardest area for me to trust right now is the selling of our house.  Our house is small, the ceilings are low and it's close to a road.  Those are the feedback comments that we consistently get back.  None of those are things that bothered us when we bought it and none of those things are things we can change.  So...Sigh...we wait.  And I try not to get toilet head as I clean one more time just to have it not be "the one".
And lastly this whole part of placing all of our finances in the hands of Jesus, yeah that's been hard.  It's been a blessing these years to have a steady paycheck, one that's reliable.  It's one thing to raise support for a mission trip, a whole nother thing to raise it for our LIFE.  It feels funny to be depending on people to pay our bills.  It's hard to change the perspective and remember that it's God we are depending on and not really the people.  Jeff and I both are sluggish when it comes to this part of the process, but we have some mailers getting ready so make sure you run to your mailbox everyday and read our letter :)
And so this is what happens when you really start to mentally put yourself somewhere else.  Do the benefits of moving to Kauai outweigh what we have here.  Jokingly I would say yes...but really the answer is no.  My community is here, friends, family, an established life, none of that is better then sunshine and beaches.  I know this  because if you told me that I could live in perfect tropical paradise but be utterly and completely alone...I wouldn't go.  No, the only thing that really is bringing us to the middle of the Pacific is God, the owner and creator of the Universe.



Some days I'm excited, some days I'm sad, but most days at this point I'm still pretty freaked out.  I have peace, that deep inner still solidness that anchors my heart and soul, but I'm still slightly freaked out. 

So those are just some of the areas that I'm processing as we start this journey.

Love you all...

Here is Eli's entry for the Fair & Stampede this year.

(All his words)