I think this morning I woke with that feeling that goes something like "today is not today"...and that it's definitely not all mine.

Moses poops on the carpet, my fault, but really....no wipes, come on.
Silas pee's his pants...
And some how all the parenting tactics that I thought would work for those hard moments start to slip away and I feel like I'm not the right one for the job...surely someone else would do better.  But not me...and all the ways I thought I wouldn't speak or react, are right in front of my face.  And I remember oh, that's right...the world is a broken place and I'm a broken person with broken kids. But please not today, today is just too hard to feel so broken.  
The laundry is piled sky high because the washer has been broke since last Sunday (they come tomorrow)
The dishwasher warrenty customer serive lady is transfering me for the 3rd time to the right person..."really the warrenty needs to be renewed...funny."

Really in denial that today was...mine.

Someone else would wear it so much better.
Today I must be wearing someone else's underwear.

So luckily today is Wednesday and that means woods walk with Michelle and that means I leave the house no matter what.  With Jeff's pants on and no bra I started chucking kids into the car...they didn't even have to be my kids...I just started chucking them in the car.  Ran back inside, got dressed, and grabed cheese sticks, apples and water (and my chocolate bar) and ran out the door.
And then we did this...


and I took a deep breath and soaked it in.



And soaked in the safety of a friend that loves me...


...oh and lot's of sunshine.



  And fell back in love with my kids for all the right reason's...even all the broken ones.

"I tried to live alone But lonely is so lonely, alone.    So human as I am I had to give up my defences So I smiled and tried to mean it To let myself let go"

See you tomorrow...Tomorrow... :)

Well here we are.  It was a bit of a ruff start, but what days aren't.  And that's ok.  Because we pulled through and made it.  And i'm starting to be ok with ruff starts.  They're part of our day and bring out that part of us that needs the most love. And your thinking, gosh Kim don't be such a downer.  But really somedays that's just how it is.  It didn't take long for the kids to start pushing the pumpkins down the hill.  Not on purpose, of course, but just to move the ones out of the way that we didn't want.  Right...I chased 3 runaway pumpkins within the first 4 minutes that we where there. But hey that's just how we roll...



And if I focus on the ruff starts then I'll miss the moments that keeps us wanting more.  Because these two love each other and I want more of that!




 




Oh this picture...truly was a miracle. The guy on the tractor took it.  One shot...and the dude got it!


And though this wasn't Silas's best day, we loved him extra and let him pick out the biggest pumpkin he could find. And boy it can hard to love my kids one their worst days.  But I can't live for the big moments, it's the million billion small moments that add up.  And he'll be 16 or 22 or 30 and I'll want my heart to have loved all those small moments that nobody see's. 




I think this was there just for him.  And he needed it...







And I tried so hard to get them all looking at the photo. But we didn't get that.  We got real kids with real faces and real wiggles. 



Here's to a new week.  They will cry and probably so will I.  They'll be frustrate and so will I.  They'll need the gospel love in their heart's and so will I.  But were all in it together and I'm gonna make the most of every small moment I can. 

He's just life... and we need him.  He's the smile in the morning that I need to start my day.  Cuz my last few days haven't been my best and it feels like I have someone else's underwear on.  The day is hard enough on it's own, I really don't need more of me to make it more complicated.  But sometimes I'm just sad, like really sad.  Like so sad that I crawl into my bed in a ball and just cry really really hard.  So hard that when I woke up this morning Jeff was like, why do you look so tired.  I have this thing that happens to me when I cry, my eyes stay puffy for like the whole next day.  I hated that when I was a little kid and I had to go to school the next day, so I lied and told people that I had allergies.
So I have no idea why I cried so hard.  I mean I was sad but it was so much more.
And I desperately tried so hard to redeem today.  I woke up determined to have a really great day.  But Silas wanted his pancakes in like warp speed and I just couldn't hold all the pieces together and it didn't take much.  I mean who wakes up and think that they can redeem ANYTHING...impossible.  Just a broken mess.
So Silas quickly crumbled into a pile of broken peices and didn't want to wear socks or put on boots or anything.  And I heard my sweet friend Michelle in my ear saying "Just hug him". So I got on my knees and held him and he melted in my arms.  And I melted into his.  And this was just what I needed.  I brought him over to Jeff and as I walked away I heard Jeff say to him, "Silas, even on your worse day, we love you." And I smiled.  Because that's what we need more than anything, to be loved on our worse day. Please love me on my worse day. Please love your kids on their worse day.  I promise that we will melt into a pile of goo. And all the hard places will crumble away.
So I have more photos of pumpkins and a football game.  And out side a few snooty looks and comments (mostly from yours truly), the day was ok.  I mean not like this wonderful day that I imagined, but Jeff and I were laughing really hard in the car on the way home from the game, and holding hands, and laughing so hard we where crying...so that's a pretty good turn around.  I'll take it...

I love this girl.  And we had to be there.   So we headed over to Kirland for the surprise happy birthday party. Cuz the truth is I'd drive much further just to be with her.  I'd drive really far...like to China.  Because we have a story and we go way back. And we've done stuff together that you just don't get to do with everyday friends.  And in a world where it's hard to get it right it's just so good to be known by someone that can take the hits for you when life's a big landslide and it's all going down hill.

















 And she's my Ge...







It was too quick. Though Eli thought it took way too long to get his noodles.  I was glad that it took so long so that we could just all sit and be a be apart of a great night. 


Later that night we drove to our good friends house and stayed up late with tea and brownies and talked till we started to slur our words. 
We talked about Grace and community and love.  And we sat and listened to a story that was happening in their world.  And some of our broken pieces from our story seemed to have a bit of purpose.  The pain turns around and now is used for love.  And I was so glad that we went down the roads we went down so that we ended up at there house to hear their story. 


Because we have to hold each other up...














and hold on tight...

And a bit of home cookin' just has to happen or else it wouldn't be official.  We really eat good...especially with family!

It was kinda early and kinda cold and a little kinda damp but...Oh yeah...we went mushroom hunting.  It was so good to be out early in the woods with the little monkey's.  They love the woods.

Of course we had our good friend Keely who is a professional mushroom hunter.  She's that kind of person that just breathes life when your with her. She's contagious and I just want to crawl inside her world and get a taste of that "I can do anything today...let's GO!" kinda frame of mind. She taught us what to look for.  At first they all looked the same to me and my eyes coudn't tell the difference between your local "no no that will make you grow and extra eyeball" and "oh yeah there's a beauty! Pick it" We'd be walking in the woods and I would hear her say "OH GOSH...OH Yeah!" That meant she found like a big pile of huge ones.  I was like..."Oh hears one right?" And with my pocket knife I would pick it.

In the end we had a few a bags full and she studiously looked through all my shrooms befor we said our goodbyes.
Eli said as we are driving away..."But mom, I will really miss Mrs.Keely :("
We had a great adventure and can't wait till next season to go back for more!
These Chanterelle's will dry over night, get washed and then dehydrated! 
































This one is NOT a mushroom that you can eat. But it's really cool!


p.s.  So I've been a blogging freakoid (and I don't even know if that many people read this...and that doesn't even really matter) this week and sometimes I just get into this groove of wanting to blog EVERYTHING. I find it really helpful to process my crazy days and thoughts and trials.  Like if I blog about it, it somehow becomes more real.  But the cool thing is that I finally figured out how to have music on my blog. Something I've wanted to do for the last year but have not had the time/energy to even try to figure it out.